Archives for category: growing up

You know whats a weird feeling? Having a friend move miles and miles away and the first time they call you since the big move, to actually want to click “ignore” on your phone screen. I’ve never felt it before, not with this friend, but i’ve definitely wanted to. Her names Kristen, or at least, thats what I’ll be calling her on here. Kristen was one of my first female friends that i’ve felt this close to. Sure, i’ve had other girl friends in the past but compared to Kristen, they all felt like mere acquaintances.

When you watch tv, you see all these female friendships. and as a girl growing up, i don’t give a shit what you say, you wanted a girl-on-girl friendship like you see in tv shows and movies. and honestly, with the increase in technology, that seems to be less and less possible. and in this girl, Kristen, i felt i’d found that tv perfect friendship. I could go over her house whenever, any time any day and her family would welcome me even if she wasn’t home. I could call her family with problems and she could call mine with hers. Her and i saw each other generally a few times a week and had sleepovers most weekends,.

but she started changing. She got more selfish, more self centered. When i went over her house to talk about stuff with her, she started just changing the subject back to her, she started to get into different sorts of things. She started going to high school parties, and not inviting me. She started hooking up with guys and i’d hear about it in school, not from her, but from rumors that Kristen was an easy lay. She started doing naughty things for weed and attention. She started hanging out with shady people in shady parts of town. and nothing i said mattered.

My opinion didn’t matter, it didn’t count. I knew nothing, i didn’t know what she was going through. I was the curvy mixed friend. She was the skinny blonde. I was “just jealous” that she was getting attention. and it just escalated. I wanted to get out of the friend ship, but what if something happened to her?

What if Kristen needed me and i wasn’t there? At this point, her family had stopped trusting her – she was stealing money from them and lying constantly. And what was i supposed to do when they called me, her best friend, to make sure she didn’t lie when she said she was going to my house and i had no idea where she actually was? I felt guilty, like i had to be there for her because if i wasn’t, who else would be? She had made it so she had no one else. and with the path she was headed down, i couldn’t very well abandon her.

It was a stressful experience, being her friend, and she started making me feel bad about myself. A friend is supposed to be someone you go to to get encouragement and to help you feel confident and happy in your own skin. She was doing the exact opposite. I came home from seeing her every time feeling worse about myself. I felt like the ugly friend, always. Like the fat friend, always. Like the one who wasn’t worth the time of day. All i wanted was a friend. and i had one, only to have her change into a completely different person throughout high school.

After we graduated, neither of us went to college right away. I had hoped, so much, that we would be able to part ways after high school peacefully and naturally, and that i wouldn’t have to be the douchebag friend that “needs to talk about something” with her. but that never happened.

Now, a year after high school, shes finally finally moved away. Not for college, but for personal reasons. I’ve never felt more relieved. Shes been gone about 4 days and contacted me directly for the first time after various instagram tags. I was at work and had to ignore it but when i texted her asking if it was something important and she said no, it felt good. It felt good to know that if i don’t want to, i don’t have to call her back.  I don’t have to keep in contact with her. I can be my own person and make my own friends and i can once again feel good when i look in the mirror. I feel good. Its a nice change.  But it is weird. I don’t feel like its a big loss. Sure, i cried at first when i thought about my best friend leaving. but I’m actually happy. and not only for myself, hopefully, this will be a good change for her, too.

I want everything to work out for both of us, But i think that for everything to work out for both of us, our friendship needs to end. I’m ready to leave it in the past and i feel like finally, Kristen is too.

Anna

I wish i could still write like i used to. I used to have such great ideas for all kinds of short stories and books i wanted to write and now theyre all *poof* gone. I couldn’t sit down and write a decent story if i tried and believe me, i have. its like ive had terrible writers block since about age 16. I once went to a book signing at a local library around when i stopped writing and i feel like it just pushed me further down into this rut i seem to be in. The intention wasn’t for that to happen, but i feel like it did nonetheless.

A girl, a year or two younger than i was at the time, was doing a book signing for the book she had published. It was a fantasy book, and i remember there being faeries, but i don’t really remember much else. I just remember sitting there in the audience as this girl and her family talked about how long it took to get it published, the process and how difficult and expensive it was because they basically had to get a small publishing company and then essentially pay for the entirety of the book. It was around then that i started to feel that i’d never actually make it as a writer like I’d always hoped.

I knew my family would absolutely no doubt help me with every part of the process but thats not what i wanted. I wanted to do it myself. And i knew i could always just go online and either write a blog (hehe…) or try and publish it as an e-book but that never appealed to me either – i wanted a physical copy of my book. Of my work of art, my personal accomplishment. I wanted to be able to carry around my book with me, with my name across the cover and say “I wrote this. I got this published. This is my brain-child. ”

Somewhere along the way, i got discouraged when i figured out i wasn’t too good at writing full stories. I tend to get too into the descriptions and lose track of where i intended the story to go. I am, however, really good at poetry. But that was discouraging to me, for some reason. I didn’t want to publish a book of poetry, i wanted a story immersed in a fantasy world of my own making. and no matter how hard i tried, i couldn’t manage to do it. and i can’t really explain why i was so against a book of poetry except that i myself hate reading poetry and felt I’d be unsuccessful in that field because if i hated it, i for some reason assumed others hated reading it as well.

In the end, i put my dream of writing a book on the shelf for a while. For now, I’ll stick to writing this blog and sharing with you my attempt to get back into writing. who knows, maybe you’ll be browsing the fantasy section at your local book store and see Anna Lee Williams on the cover~

(or, you know, my real name. who knows if you’ll know it by then or if i’ll use it)

Anna

Nearly all of my childhood nightmares revolved around my grandparents house. I lived in an apartment with my mother for a year or two then we both lived with my grandparents till i was 8 years old. They had built themselves a big house in a very small woodsey town about 4 years before i was born. While i consider their house the house i grew up in, it always terrified me on some level. I had a great many nightmares revolve around being inside of or outside of the house and most of them were recurring.

The earliest one i remember was before i had my own “big girl” bed. There was a full size bed in the center of my bedroom and i had a little red toddler bed against the wall. More often than not, i would sleep in the full size bed with my mother or grandmother, them sneaking off to their own beds during the night after i’d fallen asleep. I was sleeping and felt heat as though the sun was beating down on my bare skin. The bed underneath me no longer felt comfortable but more like rocky earth. I opened my eyes and i was on the edge of a cliff side with a long drop into a river of lava. on the opposite side of me were dinosaurs, t rexs and the sort. i fell off the side and it felt like i fell for an eternity before i woke up with my foot on the floor. Needless to say, i didn’t like sleeping by myself after that.

Another dinosaur dream i had, because those seem to be my thing, was including dinosaur characters from my favorite show, Rugrats. I dreamt that beside my rural house was a city and my family was driving into it right off my road (which was a dead end, for the record) and behind us in the rearview mirrors, we saw Reptar destroying the path behind us which had suddenly become city as well. Alongside Reptar was the pink Reptar (i cant recall if she had a name or not) and we panicked full out and were driving around the city as the two Reptars stepped on us.

My last dinosaur related dream was swamp related. Now i had this dream multiple times and i always knew the night id have it because id drive by the swamp it took place in. The swampland was on our way home but a different way involving different back roads that we didn’t often use. I’d look to my right and see the murky water and the thick mist with the tall trees barely visible beyond, and i’d feel my stomach clench, knowing that night the dream would occur. And each night, it did. There were dinosaurs, so so many dinosaurs, overtaking the entire town and all emerging from the swamp. I ran to it and tried to figure out how to stop them from exiting the swamp and got sucked down into the swamp and drowned/got buried in the mud.

Another nightmare i often had included the snake from Aladin. Now, i have only seen Aladin once but that snake obviously scared the everliving shit out of me because in my dream, id awaken in bed with him wrapped around my body smiling at me with his huge fangs out, inches from my eyes. Somehow, id get him to loosen his hold on me and id get out and start running up the hallway – turns out, hes a fast snake and hes on my tail the entire time. I run down stairs and do a lap around the house, closing doors as i go. But the doors don’t stop him – they merely slow him down. he comes under the door and squeezes his whole body through. I run up the stairs, thinking maybe they will slow him down and surprisingly, they do and i make it into the upstairs bathroom. i slam the door shut and stuff a towel under the door jam. its quite for a few minutes and everything is still. then his head pops up from the side of the door and he bites my face and the last thing i see is him lunging at me.

Theres a few other recurring nightmares but i’ll go over those in a “the unconscious mind, part 2”

Anna